


I Remember It (All Too Well)

by layalee



Series: Love Me Swiftly [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Felicity Smoak, Post-Break Up, Songfic, Taylor Swift's All Too Well, This might hurt a little, mostly canon-compliant, olicity - Freeform, only a little, so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 01:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10821222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/layalee/pseuds/layalee
Summary: Based on Taylor Swift's "All Too Well"Felicity Smoak takes a walk down memory lane and reflects on her relationship with Oliver Queen.





	I Remember It (All Too Well)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the Love Me Swiftly series. You don't have to read the previous fic to understand this one, as they are unrelated. 
> 
> The lyrics are from All Too Well by Taylor Swift. The title of the fic is also from that song. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> Arrow and its characters belong to DC and the CW. No copyright infringement intended.

_I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,_

_But something 'bout it felt like home somehow._

\-----

When Oliver and Felicity moved into the loft after returning from Ivy Town, Felicity was apprehensive. Sure, they’d already been living together for months, while they traveled the world and later, when they settled in that idealistic house in Ivy Town. But this was different; they were back in Starling – no, Star – City, back to Team Arrow and fighting crime. This changed the dynamic between them.

And so Felicity was nervous but, most of all, she was terrified that this move would somehow drive Oliver away from her. Fighting crime took its toll, and she was afraid that she would be the price he had to pay.

But then… Oliver intertwined his fingers with hers and looked back at her with a soft smile as he led her into the loft. And Felicity realized… It didn’t matter if they were in Bali or Ivy Town or here, in Star City where it all started. It didn’t matter, because it wasn’t the _place_. It was him. He was her home.

\-----

_And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,_

_And you've still got it in your drawer even now._

\-----

When it was all over, when Felicity removed that engagement ring from her finger and gave it back to Oliver, that’s when she realized that she was right. She was right to have been worried and scared. She did end up being the price Oliver had to pay. The things that happened after they moved back to the city broke them, driving them away from each other and creating an un-breachable distance between them.

She moved out of the loft soon after. Oliver had protested, offering the place to her, but she had vehemently refused. How could she stay in the place that held so many memories of them? There was the spot where Oliver had kissed her and told her that she had made him the happiest man, at a point in his life when he truly believed happiness was unattainable. There was the couch where Oliver held her all night as she sobbed about her father; he held her together when she felt her world crumbling around her again. He was her anchor. And there, on the table… There was where Felicity broke them.

So no, Felicity couldn’t stay there. It was Oliver and Thea’s place, anyway. The younger Queen moved back in soon after, following Felicity’s halting request for her to do so. Felicity may not be with Oliver, but she was still painfully in love with him, and she didn’t want him to be lonely.

It was a few months later, during the beginning of winter, that Felicity realized she had left her green scarf back at the loft –  the scarf which she had bought with Oliver during one of their trips, the color specifically chosen for him. That same night, they made sweet love while she wore nothing but that around her neck.

Her heart thudded in her chest when she remembered that it was hanging on a hook behind the closet door, a place that Oliver would see everyday as he grabbed clothes to change into. Her heart clenched painfully at that realization, that Oliver kept her scarf there, at the place she had hung it when they were still happy, still so completely unaware of the heartbreak that would come their way.

That night, Felicity cried herself to sleep.

\-----

_Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze._

_We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate._

_Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,_

_And I can picture it after all these days._

\-----

Felicity came to the startling realization that Oliver Queen, ex-playboy, ex-billionaire, current love of her life, was actually a sweet person on a quiet Saturday night. She had known he was compassionate and fiercely loyal, but she had no idea he could be so freaking sweet as well.

She was experiencing a bad case of cramps and had bowed out of going on the tour Oliver had been eager to take her on. Instead of shying away from “these womanly things”, as men were wont to do, he hunkered down with her in their hotel room. Oliver ordered room service made entirely out of chocolate and mint chip ice cream, heated up a hot water bottle for her stomach, and settled down behind her in bed, holding her close.

She had burst out crying in the middle of a cuddling session, blubbering about how sweet and considerate he was, but instead of getting freaked out at her mood swing, he just held her tighter and pressed a kiss to her neck, murmuring sweet nothings.

Oliver proved to her that there were still things she didn’t know about him. Two days after that incident, they were cruising in the car with the hood down and the radio on loud, autumn leaves falling around them. Felicity was singing along to the song blaring from the radio and she was shocked into silence when Oliver’s deep voice had joined her. She gaped at him – because Oliver Queen, the ex-vigilante and master of brooding, was actually _singing_ –  but he just winked and continued singing. Moments later, she placed her hand on his thigh, the vibration of his voice soothing her, and joined him.

Felicity could remember all of that as if it was yesterday.

\-----

_And I know it's long gone,_

_And that magic's not here no more,_

_And I might be okay,_

_But I'm not fine at all._

\-----

Felicity had had to pick up the pieces of her soul exactly three times in her life. The first was when her father had left. She had sat by the window facing their front lawn for hours each day, every day, for months. He never showed up, but she kept on hoping. At the end of each day, when she didn’t see his twinkling blue eyes, or hear the clatter of his compute equipment as he worked, or hear his excited voice calling her to tell her about his latest breakthrough, she lost a piece of her soul. They chipped away until she was left hollow. And then, when she grimly accepted that her father, her mentor, her _hero_ , was never coming back, she started to glue herself back together. She came out of that incident stronger than ever.

The second time Felicity had to pick up the pieces of her shattered soul was after Cooper’s death. He had taken the fall for her creation and he ended up dead because of it. For the longest time, she blamed herself. What if she hadn’t written that damned virus? What if she had tried harder to stop Cooper? What if, what if… She lost her first love that day and, with it, a part of her innocence. But she refused to be defeated. So she pushed down her pain, recreated herself, and slowly started to piece herself back together.

The third time Felicity Smoak had to pick up the pieces of her soul was by far the most heartbreaking and the least successful. It was when she had walked away from Oliver Queen. It was the most excruciating thing she had ever had to do, because every fiber of her being rebelled against her decision. Breaking up with Oliver had ended up breaking her. Watching the stark pain in his eyes nearly crushed her resolve. Working side-by-side with him every day, not being able to touch him or kiss him or even freaking _comfort_ him, was pure, unadulterated torture.

She tried to be okay. She plastered a smile on her face and did her job. She made jokes and innuendoes because that’s what everyone expected her to do. But her babbles died down and her eyes dimmed and, at night, she lay unmoving in her bed, unable to sleep, because she was so used to the familiar weight of Oliver wrapped around her, cocooning her in his warmth.

And so the third time Felicity had to pick up the pieces of her soul, she couldn’t fit them all back together.

_\-----_

_'Cause there we are again on that little town street._

_You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me._

_Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well._

_\-----_

His eyes used to track her movements. He would know if she was happy by the overly large gestures she made with her hands. He would know she was excited by the gleam in her eyes. He would know she was frustrated by the crinkle in her eyebrows. He would know everything, just by looking at her. She was an open book, and she was his favorite novel.

Oliver used to look at her like she was his sun, his moon, his stars. He had even called her that one night, referencing _Game of Thrones_ just to see the wide smile that spread across her face. Felicity had squealed and jumped at him, joining their lips in a fierce, passionate kiss. Oliver gave out a startled, joyful laugh, before tugging her impossibly closer and deepening their kiss.

And now… Now he couldn’t even look at her at all.

\-----

_Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red._

_You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed_

_And your mother's telling stories about you on a tee ball team_

\-----

During those months together, Oliver had opened up to Felicity in a way she would have deemed impossible only a year ago. But Oliver was serious about their relationship – and that meant opening up.

So he told her stories about growing up, the mischief he and Tommy used to get into. He spoke of Tommy fondly, but there was still a hint of tragic loss in his voice that made Felicity reach out and hold him, hold him until he felt safe enough to let go, to unleash the pain inside him. She never let go of him during those nights.

He reluctantly showed her pictures of his “awkward phase”, the brief period in which he had to wear braces and corrective glasses, and she had cooed over him, making him blush in a way she didn’t know he was capable of.

Oliver also spoke about his family a lot. He told her how he felt when he saw his baby sister for the first time, about the love that staggered him. He spoke softly, in the darkness, about how disappointed he felt when his father didn’t show up for his little league team games, even though Oliver had begged him to. He vowed that he wouldn’t be that kind of father. The mention of kids warmed Felicity’s heart, which only started to beat faster and faster when Oliver had brushed his knuckles over her cheek and brought her hand up to his lips. The gesture brought tears to Felicity’s eyes, and Oliver leaned down and kissed them away.

_\-----_

_You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me._

_\-----_

Oliver talked about the island, about Hong Kong and Russia, in fits and bursts. Sometimes words would tumble out of his mouth, pouring out faster than he could speak them, as if he was desperate for her to know, for her to _understand_. Other times, his words were wrenched from the deepest part of his being, shame and regret filling his eyes.

Felicity never got tired of listening to him, drinking up his words like a thirsty man in the middle of a desert.

She promised that she would never leave him. She kissed the vows into his skin, tattooing her words onto his body so that he could never doubt them.

And he never did, up until the moment she had broken her own promises.

_\-----_

_And I know it's long gone_

_And there was nothing else I could do_

_And I forget about you long enough_

_To forget why I needed to..._

_\-----_

Being near Oliver every day wasn’t easy. Actually, it was the worst sort of torture she could ever come up with. She wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy. But somehow, _somehow_ , it was better than not being near him. She would go insane if she couldn’t see him, couldn’t make sure he was okay – even if it was only physically. She had to do her utmost to help him as Overwatch, even if she couldn’t be there for him as _her_.

Felicity tried keeping busy with work. Team Arrow and the mission took up enough of her time and energy that when she did have a few spare moments, they were used to grab a quick shower and a power nap. Sometimes she didn’t even have time to think, she was so focused on the mission.

But then she’d accidentally catch a whiff of his cologne and her mind would flash back to steamy nights, where reverent touches and sweet words were exchanged. Or she would catch sight of her bare finger and her stomach would knot up and her heart would drop. She’d feel cold and empty, her finger burning, begging for that reassuring weight to be back on it.

Those were the nights where she held on only long enough until she was alone, until she could freely wail out her pain, staining her pillow with her tears, muffling her tortured cries into it.

_\-----_

_'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night._

_We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light_

_Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah._

_\-----_

There was one particular night Felicity always flashed back to. She had snuck downstairs in the loft to satisfy a sudden craving for mint chip ice cream, using her fingers to guide her because she didn’t want to wake Oliver up by turning on a light. She tiptoed into the kitchen and, as quietly as possible, got the pint of mint chip – that Oliver always, without fail, stocked up on for her – out of the freezer.

She debated the pros and cons of grabbing a spoon – the clang of the drawer and cutlery would definitely wake Oliver up, and he’d been getting so little sleep lately that she couldn’t bear the thought of disturbing him. Instead, she settled for an overly large wooden spoon. It was awkward and slightly uncomfortable, but she managed it.

That’s how Oliver found her, standing by the refrigerator light and relishing the taste of mint chip ice cream. She didn’t notice him at first, too busy eating the deliciousness of the ice cream, but when she did, she instantly knew that he had been watching her for a while.

Oliver had a soft smile on his lips and warmth in his eyes. He eyed the wooden spoon in her mouth and quirked an eyebrow. When she explained her reasoning, the warmth in his eyes only deepened. He slowly came up to her, took the ice cream and spoon out of her hands and placed them on the counter beside her. Then he took her hand and pulled her body flush to his. Felicity melted into his embrace, burying her face into his neck.

And then Oliver started humming and swaying them around. When Felicity realized he was dancing with her, there by the refrigerator light, she looked up at him and cupped his face in her hands.

“I love you,” she whispered.

Oliver closed his eyes, savoring her words, before leaning down to kiss her forehead.

“I love you too,” he murmured into her skin.

_\-----_

_Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,_

_But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up._

_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well._

_\-----_

On those nights when she couldn’t sleep, Felicity would go over every single detail of her relationship with Oliver. What happened with them? Why couldn’t they make it work? Had she made a big deal out of him being dishonest? Should she have been more understanding, given him a chance to properly explain himself?

They had the potential to be so good together. No, no. They had already been good. They could have been _great_.

But Felicity ruined that by walking away from him the first chance she got. She ran away, terrified, because she knew that Oliver was the only man on the planet who could so completely destroy her. And she was afraid of getting lost and never finding her way back to herself.

Oliver had gone through so much in his life, he didn’t need any more things that could go wrong. They were so good together, until she had started to ask for more. Did she ask him for more than he could give her? Did she ask for too much by pleading for his trust in her? He lied to her about something important – about his _son_ – but he must have had a good reason. He _loved_ her.

She loved him too. Till she took her last breath, and beyond, she would always love Oliver Queen.

_\-----_

_Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise._

_So casually cruel in the name of being honest._

_I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here_

_'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well._

_\-----_

Felicity remembered when Oliver had asked her to stay behind in the bunker after everyone had already left for the night. She was confused, because she and Oliver hadn’t been alone together in a while. Neither of them could handle that, emotions still too raw, too exposed.

She nervously stood in front of him and watched as he gathered his thoughts. With fascinated eyes, she saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed roughly.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, worried.

He shook his head. “No. Well, yes. Something has been wrong for a long time,”

“Tell me,” she implored.

“I’ve been thinking a lot,” he started.

She gazed questionably at him.

“About us,” he clarified.

Her heart began to thud wildly in her chest. It dawned on her what he wanted to talk about, and she felt a clawing panic rise up inside her.

Oliver continued. “I realize that I made a lot of mistakes with us. What I did… Lying to you… That wasn’t right,”

Felicity shook her head, not to negate what he was saying, but to stop him from talking completely, because she was not ready for this conversation. No, please no, she wanted to beg. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t break her apart when she finally felt a tiny semblance of normalness.

But Oliver didn’t stop. He looked determined for her to hear him out. “I drove you away because I wasn’t honest with you, and I will _never_ make that mistake again. I made a promise to myself after… After you walked away,” He turned his head to the side for a moment, fists clenched, before looking back at her. His eyes shone fiercely. “I promised that I would never lie to you again. I would never keep something important from you again,”

“Why are you telling me this?” she whispered, voice broken.

Oliver smiled ruefully. “Because I need you to know. I can’t hide this from you,”

“Know what, Oliver?”

“I still love you. I will never stop loving you. You are the light in my life. I’m so sorry I brought my darkness into yours,” his voice was anguished, but strong.

He wasn’t done. “I don’t expect anything, I’m not trying to change your mind, Felicity. I respect you too much to do that. But I-I need you to _know_ , that I still love you,”

Felicity opened her mouth to speak, but nothing could come out. For a long minute, they stared at each other, their gazes speaking volumes, saying the words they couldn’t utter themselves.

And then… Felicity decided to be honest with Oliver as well.

_\-----_

_Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it_

_I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it_

_\-----_

Would they have been married by now, if she hadn’t walked away? Would they have been happy, instead of feeling this utter misery? Felicity wondered all the time, so much so that it consumed her.

Losing Oliver caused her to lose a part of herself – a part that she couldn’t breathe without. She was barely holding on and this…? Him telling her he still loved her? It was breaking her all over again.

\----

_After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own_

_Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone_

_\-----_

She exhaled sharply. “I love you, Oliver. I love you more and more each day. But that doesn’t change anything. That doesn’t repair what’s fractured between us,”

Oliver’s eyes shuttered and his shoulders hunched in, as if he had just been sucker-punched. Regret and shame pooled in Felicity’s stomach for being the cause of his pain.

“I’m so sorry, Oliver. I never wanted to hurt you. But I’m… I’m just not ready,”

Oliver took a step forward, bringing their bodies close together. His eyes shined with emotions as they bore into hers. He raised his hand and brushed his knuckles over Felicity’s cheek, in a move so familiar that it brought tears to her eyes.

_\-----_

_But you keep my old scarf from that very first week_

_'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me_

_You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah_

_\-----_

“I understand,” he admitted in a quiet voice.

Felicity closed her eyes and, just for one moment, let herself enjoy his touch on her skin. She felt touch-starved, she missed him so damn much. Then, still with her eyes squeezed shut, she stepped out of his touch and away, feeling the cold left behind. She wanted to let out a bitter laugh because after everything, after her cruel words and his stark honesty and the debilitating heartbreak gripping her, all she wanted to do was step back into his arms.

But she couldn’t do that, not anymore.

“I’m going to walk away now. Please… Please don’t stop me. Because if you do… If you ask me to, I’ll stay,”

_\-----_

_'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so_

_Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

_\-----_

She turned her back to him and, when she knew she wouldn’t be able to see Oliver anymore, she opened her eyes and walked away, the click-clack of her heels sounding like a death march in the quiet stillness of the bunker.

Felicity felt Oliver’s eyes follow her the entire way.

_\-----_

_Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all_

_Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all_

_It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Drop me a line, make me smile ;)


End file.
